the weblog of Alan Knox

I don’t want to die

Posted by on May 26, 2010 in discipleship | 6 comments

I don’t want to die. It’s true.

Why? Because I have too much to live for. I have good ideas. I’m pretty smart. I enjoy my life. Things are good.

I need to die, but I don’t want to die.

You see, I know that my life is still too much my own. I do not die daily, hourly, minutely. (Yes, I know that “minutely” is not a word, but it works here.)

Why do I not spend more time making disciples and being discipled? Because I want to hold on to my life too much.

Why do I not spend more money helping other people, especially those who are in need and hurting? Because I like my life too much.

Why do I not spend more time serving people? Because there are other things in my life that I would rather do.

You see… I don’t want to die. And, if I want to live for Christ, I must die. Today. This hour. This minute. And the next.

But, I don’t want to. I want to do things my way… the things that I like… the things that bring me joy.

Oh, I have plenty of time to make disciples, to be discipled, and to serve other people… but I’d rather spend my time in other pursuits. I have plenty of money to help those who are in need… but I’d rather spend my money in other ways.

I need to die. But, I don’t want to die. And it’s killing me. Because I know that I need to die.


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  1. 5-26-2010

    About five years ago I switched up my daily bible reading to focus on reading the gospels/teachings of Christ much more often. Instead of losing the gospels in a sea of OT and NT epistles, I now read daily from the gospels using a strategy that takes me through the OT once each year, the psalms 3 times a year, the gospels 3 times a year, Acts 12 times a year and the epistles 3 times a year. This way, I am reading the challenging teachings of The Master daily. Oh, and I finally lost my growth hampering tendency to read an account from the gospels and think: Wow, what a shame that that young man did not have time to follow Jesus! -or- Man, can you believe those Pharisees? I would never do that!

  2. 5-26-2010


    I agree. It is much easier to point out where other people are not dieing to themselves or where they acting like Pharisees.


  3. 5-26-2010

    Keep catching myself in this trap! Just thinking this morning how “I wish” people would do things the way that would please me… Thanks for the wake-up!

  4. 5-26-2010


    Thank you for another excellent word.

    These days I can’t do much other than observe, and evaluate my own walk in years gone by.

    The last twenty years have allowed me to become aware of how much of what I claimed I would never do, never say, never think, actually took place, all whilst believing I was sacrificing self in the ways you describe.

    I have become acutely aware how much, even the most spiritually mature and able of us can be deceived into believing where we are at now, at this point in time, is better than where we were at some time in the past.

    That will never be true whilst we are in this body! No wonder God’s great grace in Jesus Christ is everything, and the only thing, we can hang onto.

    If this sounds negative, I’m sorry, but all any of us can say is that we are recovering Pharisees, and as we are discipled, and in the midst of careful, diligent discipling of others, enlighten ourselves, and them, to the fact that Pharisees are often the most delightful, spiritually accomplished, well taught, religiously correct people, whose legalism and lack of grace is masked by what is on the surface.

    Like Pogo said, “I’ve found the enemy, and we are it!”

  5. 5-26-2010


    I don’t want to be convicted. But I just was.

  6. 5-27-2010

    I don’t want to die either, but I sometimes do a good job of pretending.