I’ve decided to begin a new church which I’m calling a Completely Biblical Church – since it is originating completely from Scripture. Trust me… this is completely legitimate… not a joke at all… I wouldn’t lie to you… not today, or all days.
To determine the practices of this church, I’ve scoured Scripture and determined practices that most churches ignore, using the same hermeneutical principles used to determine church practices by other churches today. Here are a few of the new practices along with the texts which demonstrate that these are scriptural practices:
- No church meetings will be held in rooms that are at ground level or below. All meetings will be held above ground level.
He will show you a large upper room furnished and ready… (Mark 14:15)
And when they had entered, they went up to the upper room, where they were staying… (Acts 1:13)
There were many lamps in the upper room where we were gathered. (Acts 20:8)
- Regardless of the start time, every preacher or teacher will continue speaking until midnight (or someone falls out of a window, whichever comes first).
[W]hen we were gathered together…, Paul talked with them…, and he prolonged his speech until midnight. (Acts 20:7)
- Songs will only be sung silently (in the heart). In public, songs will only be spoken out loud.
[S]peaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord in your heart… (Ephesians 5:19)
[S]inging psalms and hymns and spiritual songs with thankfulness in your hearts to God… (Colossians 3:16)
- The people of the church will eat together every day.
And day by day…, they were sharing their food with glad and generous hearts… (Acts 2:46)
- Only young people under 30 will allowed to be leaders.
Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity. (1 Timothy 4:12)
- Only those with stomach ailments will be allowed to be leaders. Those with other types of ailments will be considered under special circumstances.
No longer drink only water, but use a little wine for the sake of your stomach and your frequent ailments. (1 Timothy 5:23)
- All women will give birth in pairs (or more), while a man from the church helps them.
Yes, I ask you also, true companion, help these women, who have labored side by side… (Philippians 4:3)
- All prayers will be spoken while kneeling with the hands raised.
For this reason I bow my knees before the Father… (Ephesians 3:14)
I desire then that in every place the men should pray, lifting holy hands… (1 Timothy 2:8)
- A “conversion” will only be considered valid if the “converted” actually falls down on his or her face. If the fall draws blood, the person’s conversion will be considered extraordinary and the person will immediately be entered into a leadership training program and put on a lecture circuit.
But if… an unbeliever or outsider enters, he is convicted by all, he is called to account by all, the secrets of his heart are disclosed, and so, falling on his face, he will worship God… (1 Corinthians 14:24-25)
- When meeting to pray, the prayer will not end until the meeting place begins to shake.
And when they had prayed, the place in which they were gathered together was shaken… (Acts 4:31)
We will continue to study Scripture to determine what activities should be practiced by the members of this church and how those activities should be carried out. Why? Because, we want to make sure that everything we do is completely biblical using the common hermeneutic of today.
If you would like to be part of this church… there’s something wrong with you. Get help immediately.